francis November 24th, 2006
The young lady peers out of the doorway. She checks the street before crossing over to the sidewalk on the other side. As she crosses the road she glances at the two men setting up the fruit stand on the corner, then hurries down the street, carefully dodging bikes, scooters, motorbikes, and an occasional pedestrian as she goes. People are already cleaning up from the night before, picking up the trash and wiping the tables of the outdoor cafes. Bikes, scooters, and motorcycles are parked en-mass on the side of the narrow, winding Paris streets.
Eirlys continues on her way. She enters into a wide boulevard, with high, stately buildings rising elegantly on either side. After crossing the boulevard, she enters one of the buildings, ascends the stairs, and greets her colleagues at work.
Some time before Eirlys left her apartment in the center of Paris, a young man with curly hair exited the same door. Although the thin, winter sun had not yet found its way between the tall buildings and narrow streets, Kealan wears dark glasses. He too checks the street, crosses it, and then hurries to the Metro station, scampering down the steps to the subway. He whisks his Metro pass through the turnstile, and negotiates his way masterfully through the maze of tunnels and intersections to the correct platform. After a short wait, he pushes his way onto the train, pulls out a book, and settles into the long ride to his job in the outskirts of Paris.
Eirlys and Kealan could be any young inhabitants of Paris. While they’re not pale and white like the native citizens, their dark hair and brown skin enable them to fit in with the large number of immigrants from various North African countries who make Paris their home. But they are not from Africa.
Eirlys and Kealan are young people from the United States who are living and working in Paris. They are in fact two of my four children. Eirlys has lived in France for more than 3 years; Kealan for just over one year. Both moved to France after completing degrees at Colorado State University. They are living in France to spread their wings, experience living in a European country, and gain international job-related skills.
My eldest, Maia, also graduated from Colorado State University, and is now working at the corporate headquarters of a national sporting goods company. She is married and lives here in Denver. And my youngest, RaEsa, is completing her degree at Ithaca College in New York.
By most people’s standards, my four children are successful.
When my children were young, many so-called experts kept telling me that multiracial children couldn’t succeed. We were especially warned that multiracial children who are not raised as black (because the rest of society sees them as black) would grow up to be confused, insecure and hate themselves. I also had to continually defend myself from ignorant people who rhetorically would ask, “but what about the children?” Even today the popular (and, unfortunately, academic) view is that multiracial children cannot be successful, particularly those who fully embrace their multiracial identity.
Raising Successful Multiracial Children
How does one raise successful multiracial children? Before I discuss how we achieved this feat, I need to make several clarifications.
- Obviously there are a variety of ways to raise successful multiracial children. In no way am I saying that my way is the only way.
- Much of the following advice – but not all of it – applies to raising healthy children of any race.
- None of what I present is research-based. If you ask anyone if they raised their children according to the latest research, they will laugh at you and say, ‘are you stupid?’ We raise our children according to the way we were raised, what the parenting books say (even though they are often wrong), and what we believe. We don’t raise children according to research. In fact, its very interesting that no one says that black parents must raise their children according to the latest research, or that Native Americans must check the research before they engage in a certain discipline approach. Ironically most ‘experts’ tell schools and early childhood programs to make sure the approaches and techniques they use with minority children are consistent with the practices used at home – implying that the home culture knows the best ways to raise their children. Yet everyone tells interracial families to follow the latest research. What’s the difference? Its clear - raising children in single-race homes and communities is a ‘natural’ process; raising multiracial children is somehow unnatural, so interracial parents must consult the research of ivory-towered intellectuals, many of whom have a strong political grudge against interracial families.
Stay Married
There is considerable literature today about the negative effects of divorce, especially for elementary-age children. Further, single parenthood for anyone is a financial and emotional challenge. But for multiracial children, the biggest dilemma produced by divorce or separation is that they are often deprived of direct, concrete exposure to one side of their racial heritage – often the minority side. Since young children (up to about 8 years of age) are concrete learners, this reality jeopardizes their ability to create a healthy racial identity. There are many multiracial children being raised today by single, white mothers. Unfortunately after a divorce these women often return to their white family (for needed support) and all-white neighborhoods and schools. I have been involved in several legal cases where African American fathers believed their children would not receive positive exposure to their African American race and culture after the divorce. These fathers were legitimately concerned that their children needed to have concrete, regular exposure to African America adults, peers and communities.
When divorce occurs, often the entire extended family is divorced, not just one parent. Since extended family expose is so important, this is also a dilemma. When mixed-race parents divorce, every attempt should be made for to make sure the children continue to have exposure to the family they are no longer living with, including the extended family.
Expose Your Children to Both Extended Families
Maia, my eldest, was held by her paternal great-grandmother in Manchester, England, and also by her material great-grandfather in Kansas City, Missouri. For one year our whole family lived in a religious community in Pennsylvania with my parents. In Kansas City we lived close to my wife’s family; now her brother and his family live close to us in Denver. Again, since young children are concrete learners they need concrete exposure to both sides of the family.
Among other things this physical contact demystifies what it means to be black, and what it means to be white. A multiracial child coming to grips with the black side of his or her heritage does not have to embrace the media’s idea of what it means to be black (a negative stereotype of music, clothes and speech); rather they experience real. concrete examples of what it means to be black.
Carefully Choose Where You Live
We are all products of our environment, so it is critical that multiracial children live in communities that are supportive of interracial families. We have found that Western cities are much better places to live than Eastern, Midwestern, and South Eastern cities. Each family must make their own decision, based on experience and personal research. While an interracial family living in any neighborhood automatically integrates the neighborhood, it is important to live in a community that is accepting. Do not make the mistake and assume that a minority neighborhood is automatically accepting; it depends on the minority - some minorities are as opposed to interracial marriage as are some whites.
Carefully Choose Schools
Next to where you live, where your child goes to school is critical! Luckily in Colorado children can go to any school, not just their neighborhood school. Our children have been in private schools, religious schools, and public schools. For the first few years we even home-schooled our two oldest. On one occasion we actually removed our children from the school because one of our daughters simply said she would not return. It’s good to listen to your children! For high school our children attended an integrated city school, even though we live in the most upscale school district in the state. Because exposure to a diverse student body was important, we transferred our children to the city schools.
Schools are still not allowing multiracial children to select an accurate racial category on their federal forms (see my article, the Fat Lady Still has Not Sung). Some schools simple let the multiracial child fill in their choice, or allow them to refuse to fill in the forms; others are extremely uptight about these forms, even denying children access to the school until they choice “one of the above”, which of course is illegal.
Resolve Child Rearing Conflicts Together
One of the principle differences between many cultural groups is the way they raise their children, partiality when it comes to discipline. Parents must always be on the same page regarding their approach to discipline, allowances, homework expectations, cleaning their rooms, etc. Children are very good at creating conflicts between their parents over discipline issues. Parents must make sure this does not happen. Our approach was always to say, in response to a request from one of our children. “Let me check with your mother (or father) first”. Many African Americans were raised under very strict, punitive approaches to discipline, which of course they then use on their own children, while many middle class whites were raised with a much more permissive (al la Dr. Spock) approach. My wife and I struggled with this problem, but in general were able to provide a united front to our children, and reinforce discipline consistently.
Strongly Affirm a Multiracial Identity, Starting in Preschool
Much has been written about this country’s fixation on a single-race identity. Recently I saw this heading on the cover of Essence Magazine, “Mariah Carey: The Most Misunderstood Black Woman in America”! Schools still do not allow children to select an accurate category on their federal forms. So parents must work overtime on this issue:
- Deeply understand that your children are multiracial, not one race or the other, and do not be swayed by those so-called experts who claim you must raise your child as black (or other minority parent) to be able to withstand white racism.
- Give your child a label to use in describing his/herself, especially in response to all the insensitive questions. We found that “brown” worked when our children were young, and “biracial” when they got older.
- Expose your children to multiracial heroes and current, positive multiracial role models.
- Celebrate both sides of the family, and do not allow any conflicts to arise based on race.
- Show that since Colonial times in America we have had multiracial people in our history.
- Discuss the current knowledge that race is not a biological construct.
- Study how people throughout history have traveled across geographical and cultural borders, married, and had children.
- Deconstruct items in the news and local media that try to view everything through a single-race prism.
- Challenge the school’s need to collect singe-race data.
- Challenge any single-race thinking on the part of peers – “only blacks play basketball, only whites play tennis, only blacks listen to this kind of music, only whites listen to this kind of music, only whites can do well in school”, etc.
Talk About Race
Multiracial children challenge the very core of racism in this society and the world. Thus our children will not escape racist glances, words, attiditudes, and the every-present question, “well, what are you?” To help multiracial children understand racism, it is important to talk about race, racism, and the history of racism in this country and the world.
Parents of interracial children need to be honest and understand that racism can come from anywhere. Multiracial children also need to understand that anyone can be racist, and that they will be harassed and misunderstood by whites and minorities alike, by children and by adults (many times professionals – teachers, psychologists, social workers and school counselors). Single-race students, particularly in middle and high school, can be vicious! Because this racism in our schools is most clearly evident when professionals believe that our children cannot succeed, parents must be very wary of allowing their children to be placed in special education, or havening their children be seen by a school counselor or psychologist. My advice is that if you do not know the school psychologist or counselor personally, refuse to have you child seen by them, and choose you own private therapist.
Travel
As a family we have traveled throughout this country and Canada. We have also been to Great Britain several times, and my children have visited France as part of their school’s program. Two of my children have been to Brazil. When we travel we visit art galleries, museums, and historic places that celebrate humanity and people: the Museum of Man in Winnipeg; the Folk Art Museum in Santa Fe; various replicas of Indian villages in Canada; castles, outdoor museums, and historic villages in England, and Indian pueblos in America. We’ve dug for amethyst, picked peaches, climbed mountains, explored cliff dwellings, ridden on pigs, rowed on rivers, climbed mountains, and stayed in youth hostels, including one in a castle in the middle of England.
Anything that glorifies and celebrates the history and struggle of people is good; anything that teaches children that the world is a big place with rich, beautiful diversity works wonders.
Many people have said that they cannot afford to travel with their family. Sure it’s expensive, but it’s also a question of priorities. For 10 years I was the director of a Head Start Program (a program for low income preschoolers). The joke at the program was that even as the director, my car was always the oldest, most beaten up car in the parking lot. And I used to travel a lot for my job. I would always try to take one of my four children with me. I think each of my children have been to Washington, DC, at least 3 times! I have shared the San Antonio waterfront, Disney World in California, Wolf Trap in Virginia, Epcot Center in Florida, the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, and Central Park in New York with at least one of my children.
Focus on Humanity, Not Race
As our children were growing up we took them to many outdoor museums, children’s museums, art exhibits, parks, concerts and mountain trails. But we tended to avoid museums and activities that focused on race and ethnicity. For example, we would go to an international folkdance show rather than an African dance demonstration, a world’s fair rather than a festival from just one culture. We did attend some of the latter, but our focus was always on the universality of humanity, and not on the need to divide everyone into racial, cultural and national boxes.
Our three girls became very active in a local gymnastics club, and our son played soccer, starting at age 6 and going through high school and into college. They also ran track, sang in a choir, and joined other community events, but always with an eye on the event, not on learning their African American or their English heritage.
Acknowledge Their Heritage, But Don’t Dwell on It
Raising healthy and successful multiracial children in this society is a tricky business. It takes a balance of raising them as normal children with all to the challenges and stages that all children go thorough, along with a sensitive understanding of the negative and pervasive influences of a very racist and single-race conscious society. Don’t focus on your child’s multiracial heritage; but don’t deny it either. Don’t bring up issues like the federal forms they must fill out when they enroll in a school, but if the school does not allow them to select their true identity, deal aggressively with the school.
In one of my son’s schools the principal gave me his private phone and said, “call me any time you need to” (and I did); on occasions we have removed our children from schools that were unable or unwilling to meet their unique needs.
Parents who challenge the deep seated racism and single-race thinking of this country need to be willing to sacrifice everything for their children, including moving and taking their chldren out of schools that do not meet their need.